Things I Hate

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Dutch gourmands slather mayonaise on french fries. Belgians consume buttered baguettes like hypoglycemic disciples at The Last Supper. Brits suck down sausages like blind fags at a wienie roast. Despite the artery-hardening diets favored by our European peers, behemoths from the UK to the Benelux are scarcer than bikini wax in a German whorehouse. In America—land of the low-fat lettuce wrap and home of the carb-free breakfast bowl—20 percent of our children are clinically obese. In a year that saw the US Securities and Exchange Commission freeze stock trading of America’s second-largest bicycle company, federal courts considered two class-action lawsuits brought against the world’s biggest fast-food chain by teenagers who alleged it was Ronald’s burgers—not their own gluttony—that caused them to become McFat. Would you like an apple pie to go with that super-sized irony?

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