10.15.2010

You Read it Here First

Like the gun-toting tea baggers and god-fearing hockey moms who comprise her core constituency, Sarah Palin can't always be on top. This week for instance, Mitt Romney leads all hopefuls for the 2012 GOP nod. This is significant when you consider the Haircut from Motor City's reluctance to shill on Fox full-time like pundits Huckabee, Gingrich and Palin.

It's the latter's unrepentant hucksterism that right-thinking lefties like me find particularly galling. As if Sarah's Faux News gig weren't enough, next month The Learning Channel will air an 8-part miniseries on Being Sarah Palin:



Flipping awesome, indeed. My only question after watching the trailer:

What the fuck were the suits at TLC thinking?

Since the elephants in the Grand Old Party can't seem to find a challenger with the same otherworldly powers of communication, level-headedness and centrist vacillation as number 44, I'll throw a brainy, experienced woman's name in the hat for them:

Condoleezza Rice


W's Secretary of State and National Security Advisor during 9/11 is a a third-generation college-educated black person from the South, and a Republican lap dog of the highest pedigree. Her misguided sycophancy was wasted on a functionally illiterate recovering alcoholic born-again Christian draft evader, but if we can agree that kissing a President's ass for eight years is nearly tougher than being one, her curriculum vitae dwarfs even Obama's.

Until a foreign policy of Jimmy Carter's chaffed her own sensibilities in 1982, Ms. Rice was a Democrat. Classic cold war feminist move if ever there were one. If nothing else, her switch from equine to pachyderm at least proves she's a woman (insert flighty bitch cliché here.) The gap-toothed over-achiever and concert pianist has admitted her professional dreams include being the commissioner of the NFL, so I've always had my doubts.

If you know or even share my brand of bloodthirsty liberalism (pro-guns, pro-gay, pro-choice and pro-death: in war, by lethal injection, etc.), you might be wondering why I give a hamster's turd shooter about the 2012 GOP ticket. What can I say—I'm a pacifist who loves a good fight. If Fux News continues to pump Palin's corn pone brand of Republican sizzle instead of Rice's well-seasoned steak, who will spar with that other asexual poly-sci doctorate, Rachel Maddow?

Certainly not Sarah. She was reduced to cinders by colonoscopy spokesmodel Katie Couric.

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