Things I Hate


I can dig it when brothers like John Shaft and Lamont Sanford lay some skin on their jive turkey brothas. In the right company, salutations like these always have soul. Hell—even a friendly slap on the ass doesn’t come across too gay as long as it occurs on the gridiron. But when beer-bonging frat boys took the brown style nationwide, that’s when ghetto greetings lost their cool. And it’s not just the high-five. Every gesture conceived by an ethnic minority or the counter culture has died a painful death in the hands of white dudes. The peace sign. Jiggling shakkas. Thumbs up. The middle finger. When there were no more expressive gestures for them to plagarize, honkies simply pioneered their own arcane handshake flourishes to confuse acquaintances and passers-by. Politicians adopted the double-fisted forearm pump. Wiggas got daps. Depending on which part of the country they’re from, bro brahs have the thumb lock to open-faced palm shot. I’m sick of all of them. Just say “hello” and shake my hand like a normal person. if one more dude bashes my knuckles and screams “holla,” I’ll choke him to death with his Metal Mulisha bandana.

1 comment:

Trent said...

You missed one, the thumbs up bent elbow lean in handshake with the one armed MAN HUG. All the cool kids are doing it brah.