Things I Hate


Unnecessary headgear is everywhere. Brothers wear ‘do rags. Prepubescent pop stars wear baseball caps. Neo-Nazis wear berets. Balding art directors wear crocheted yarmulkes. Freestyle motocrossers wear beanies. Fat men from Wisconsin wear large blocks of foam cheese. Texas millionaires wear cowboy hats. Jewish comics wear felt fedoras. Queers wear tiaras. Cabbies wear turbans. The Pope wears a satin popcorn bucket. Hats worn for any other reason than to protect you from the weather are dumb. When Ashton Kutcher and Paris Hilton donned plaid Von Dutch trucker hats for their collective 30 minutes of fame, the hot rod pin striper rolled over in his grave. Hey college boy, you’re not a Scottish caddie. Stop wearing The Country Gentleman to TGI Friday’s—you look like the maitre’d.

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