Bold Predictions

I leave these notes here not to entertain my 17 readers, but to help me remember things I believe will come true. Call it soothsaying. I call it wistful thinking:

• Ford Motor Co. stock will reach $27 a share by 12/31/11
• I will tint the windows on my truck. Maybe some sick wheels and tires, too
• Willis will require surgery that tests my commitment to my $1,000 dog expense threshold
• I will burn in hell for no good reason, or for thousands of them. Take a number
• I will ride my CB450 to Mexico in May because the Spartankiller won't be finished
• I will lose my horn rimmed glasses in a drunk girl's purse on a cruise ship in Cabo San Lucas
• A skin biopsy in February will reveal an allergy to semi-sweet chocolate
• Regular irrigations will finally give me the clairvoyance my colon counselor has been promising
• The city of Murrieta won't sign off on our renovation plans until St. Patrick's Day
• Michelle Obama will get an elective appendectomy "just to be safe."
• Hair coloring will become part of my regular grooming routine, like bikini waxing for high-dollar hookers
• Old friends will start telling me I don't look a day over 50
• New technology will render my brand-new TV obsolete three months after I buy it
• Someone will get his ass kicked at the Slab City Riot
• Scientists will develop a procedure to cure for self-righteousness. Ironically, it will involve inserting an arthroscope in the patient's ass
• The new PlayStation 4 will feature a game that lets players download social ineptitude, lethargy and bad skin from the Internet

If any of these predictions come true, you'll read it first on Huffington Post.

Happy New Year.

No comments: