The New General Motors

To help GM in the wake of its bankruptcy—the largest by a US corporation in our nation's history—here's the fine-tuned stable of iron I think the company should produce under just two banners: Chevrolet and Cadillac. Under the terms of my proposed restructuring, Buick, Saturn, and GMC would join Oldsmobile and Pontiac on the dead wood pile…

Mid-sized Cadillac Sport Wagon and 4-door Sedan


Cadillac Supercar

Mid-sized Chevy SUV (aka decontented Buick Enclave)

Mid-sized Chevy Sedan


Full-sized Chevy pickup (2- and 4-wheel drive; eco-Diesel only)

Chevy Compact car (Hybrid & eco-Diesel 2-door and 4-door hatchback variants)

Chevy Sportscar

Chevy mid-sized Coupe (Hybrid, high-mileage eco-Diesel & high-perf gas powertrain options)

What's missing:

• Full-sized SUV (Basketball players and rap stars made the switch to Bentleys years ago)

• Compact coupe (hatchbacks make better sense—just ask Europe)

• Compact 4-door sedan (see Compact coupe)

• Full-sized Luxury 4-door (mid-sized luxury sport wagon is more practical and fun to drive)

• Mini pickup truck (Full-sized pickups haul more stuff and get damn near the same MPG)

• Sub-compact anything (Americans don't have the stomach for them, and those that do are too hip for either of the General's remaining brands)

Why…

• A Cadillac Supercar? To burnish the brand in GT racing series in USA and abroad

• A Hybrid 2-door sport coupe? Because empty nesters are green, lean, nostalgic, and their numbers are growing

• A Corvette? Three words: Erectile dysfunction medications

Build the trucks and SUV's in Canada, build the coupes, wagons, and 4-doors in USA, and build the compact cars in Mexico and all other foreign markets.

Owing to their greater ubiquity, every Chevy is available in the same ten colors.

Every Cadillac is available in seven.

Leather interiors only in all Cadillacs; Chevy gets high-tech synthetic or leather as a dealer-installed option.

One stereo only: an iPod dock with integrated iPod touch wheel in the center console. 

This stable and these increases in parts-bin efficiency and economies of scale should get the General on track in the short term.

To jump-start a buying frenzy on green vehicles, I suggest a $5,000 federal subsidy for consumers. Don't give this money to the car manufacturers as a tax break—they'll just piss it away on corporate whoring and sex-club junkets. Instead, put the cash on the barrelhead at time of purchase. Joe Lunchbox and Cindy Soccermom will beat a path to The New General's door… I know I would.

Until that day comes, give me my old 4.9% APR back and I'll buy a Cadillac sport wagon as soon as the lease on my current Dodge Nitro expires…

The New General Motors