The Second Coming of Lance

Texans love their red meat.

Lance Armstrong confirmed last week at a pre-press conference that he is returning to professional road cycling in 2009. Cycling journalists who sup at the seven-time Tour de France winner's behest were understandably rapt by the news, but the mainstream media has been less kind in recent months to the swordsman, cancer survivor and egregious water waster. When questioned about having the highest water bill in Austin, TX, Ashley Olsen's one-time boy toy said he was "shocked."

Lance Armstrong maintains he has never used performance-enhancing drugs, but hard evidence to the contrary abounds.

I didn't conceive this next conspiracy theory, but I will repeat it here for your consideration:

What if Lance Armstrong agreed with French Tour organizers to take a three-year suspension for failing a drug test during or after his seventh tour victory in exchange for their silence?

If this conspiracy theory were true, Floyd Landis, Lance's one-time lieutenant and '06 Tour de France winner would likely have been on the same dope Lance was using. This would have made the affable Mennonite a perfect fall guy to get the anti-doping ball rolling after being stripped of his title.  

If such blasphemies were true, only one question remains:

If this is Lance's lush Lone Star crib, where does he soak his feet of clay?


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