Things I Hate


Most natives of the Golden State are too numb from its overuse to notice, but an alarming number of Californians unconsciously preface every line of past-tense dialogue that comes out of their collagen-enhanced lips with the befuddling cerebral breather, “I was all…” Painfully un-hip Hollywood writers and the trendy script doctors who brainstorm with them are to blame for this verbal blight’s pandemic ascention into the pop lexicon. And now—thanks to ministers of media-crity like Ashlee Simpson and Carson Daly—every X’er, Y’er and ‘tweener from Moonshine, Mississippi, to Cleveland Steamer, Ohio, is saying it. Listen to any 24-year-old JuCo dropout sum up a rerun of “Dawson’s Creek” and you’ll know what I’m talking about:

“Pacey used to be a high-school nerd, but now he’s a stockbroker. So Dawson was all, ‘Dude—invest my life savings so I can get enough money to finance my independent film.’ So Pacey was all, ‘No problem—my boss has an excellent line on a biotech IPO that can’t lose.’ So anyway, Pacey’s boss was a fucker and the IPO was a bust. When Dawson found out Pacey lost his money, he was all, ‘I can’t believe you Pacey! I thought we were friends!’ So Pacey was all, “We ARE friends, Dawson! I can’t believe you want to kick my ass for losing all your money.’ So Dawson was all, “I don’t want to kick your ass, Pacey. You’re dead to me, man.’ When that shit went down, I was all, ‘Dude—it’s over, bro.’’”

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